Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
