Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
