We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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