I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
