i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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