Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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