My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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