Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is Oprah even human
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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