Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
