just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
