3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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