I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
