Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We need to get me chipped asap
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
