What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
there is glitter all over my balls
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