Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
