Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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