i need an iv and a liver transplant
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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