I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
