im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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