you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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