Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
