"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
