$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
