billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
