We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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