He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
