He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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