JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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