Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
