she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
