I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
