you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
