She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
