there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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