beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
