Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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