My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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