can u get pink eye on your cock?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
