I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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