mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
