i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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