What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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