he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
