I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I smell stomach acid.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
