Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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