you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
