I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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