I saw his package. It spoke to me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
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