my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
