She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
