Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
