and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
