I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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